the i thought, followed by grudge

there are really people who are sweet talkers, these sometimes are the typical guys you shouldnt believe in the first place.. but how come when you hear these things it sounded so real. it sounded so fascinating. and yes, i once fall for this shit. i believed, not because of how real he said it but i thought he would be soo true about it.. knowing his reputation, knowing his career, knowing our common friend and knowing how his life is.. but i realized he is one of those asshole guys that would leave a girl hanging just because he wants to, he would leave with no words and expalanations and he would leave just as he wished to.. its been 2 months up to this date and i really cant forget what he had done.. and yet i thank him, because of reality speaks to me in his representation. meron pala talagang ganun.. that this ❤️ should be really careful.. its the "I THOUGHT" this will work this time, that i want to show him what my weird world is, that i want to show him who really i am and i want my weird world to know him too.. but i guess he is not worthy at all, not a little of it. i know i am wrong, i should have known better, i should not have let the "iloveyou" said. its my ultimate thing.. yes, i am bitter about everything about him, really am, up to the point of wanting to destroy him on my little way.. (seriously, i want to put a dent or a big scratch on his car) hahaha :) its me, saying you shouldnt have messed with me.. ako pa talaga yung ginanun.. just a grudge because i think i had fallen in love with him..

APRIL 1: my so called APRIL FOOLS DAY

this day, i know having you in my life is one of my best unexpected things that happened.. this day reminds me always of things that made me happy because of you.. i can still remember this day like it happened yesterday.. you're waiting for me to turn, you smiled at me and you hugged me like it was a natural thing for us. we talked like how we were before and so interested on me. we laughed like we are old friends teasing and catching up. we sit and look at each other like we shared so many things together.. its been a year since i last saw you, face to face.. that face, that smile, that hug, that laugh i miss most and that look from you have been the memories all i can hold until now.  i was happy i saw you last year. i am glad because even though i know i will bid you goodbye at that moment and it may be our last glimpse of each other as like before how we were. i am amaze of how our lives had interchanged and how we have met and be with each other.. its been a year as well how my heart fluttered and had an instant butterfly in my stomach.. how crazy and agitated i was after i saw you.. how i cant describe how i feel that time after being with you for a brief moment.. how i have so many things to tell you and asked you but hold my tongue just not to spoil the moment of being with you.. how i would want to hold you and never let you go yet i didnt because i know i cant.. i still remember how my heart yearns and at the same time aches for us.. yet i am still overwhelmed, like today as i remember the feeling of how we were the same day last year.. it was supposedly just another april 1 of last year, just ordinary day for me. but it had changed into something i remember like today the same date, april 1. another fools day.. so my april fools day isnt like te others, its more like a revelation of truth and facing it openly. its not about pranks and jokes like the others but it was deeper  more of an acceptance of things between us.. its not april fools day but its the day i set you free as well as myself too.  ,p,

the question of: "WHAT IF's???"

i often think of what could have been if it were us. what if it was me. would it be any different now if we were together or would it be just the same like now? yet in this life, i had never regret anything i have though i still look back in the past, our past and somethimes ask this questions to
myself. i know i wouldnt know the answer unless it happened, still i am happy to where we are right now. i know that i did right. of course, there are things that you cant always have because you want it, it always have been unfair. everything has its purpose in your life, you may realize it now or later still it molded me to who i am today. and as i ponder these questions over and over to my mind, i am happy that i met you. i am happy that i had you, that in this life ive got to experience to be feel loved by you. you taught me so many things my life, love, me when in love, me moving on and me fighting for what i know i deserve. i allowed you to be in my life so no matter what happened, you will always remain special to me. you will always be someone i would remember and i know i would smile because of the things we've been through. i just hope that you would always remember me and smile too because we used to be happy together even though its not the same feelings anymore 

its you and me

there are things in life that makes you happy but cant explain with words on how and why. there are things in life that when you try to define things it makes it more complicated. there are things in life that you just wanted to let it happen without thinking on whats the result. there are things in life that just makes you happy but many people wouldnt understand why. 

when i met you, i wasnt thinking of something else, just friendship, plain and simple. when i met you, i was just trying to explore. but when i met you, i know things will never be the same like plain and simple in the end.
definitely i will describe the best out of him, because he is. an ideal guy that i would fall for everyday. he isnt perfect mostly but he has someone i would go for. he isnt like as models and celebrities but has a wit and mind as hot as like that. he has a sweet and caring heart with a bunch of funny bone and cracky sense humor. 
you would want to talk to him endlessly. you can stare at him amusingly. you can never get bored. you wouldnt want to end the day with him. 
but there are things that you cant control. there are things that you cant prevent. there are things that you cant change. 

you and me cant be defined. you and me are a status for you and him. its because you cant get off with each other. there is really something between you that pulls you you to each other. and just being with each other makes you happy. you dont want to mess things on both part that you agree pursuing this without getting settled. many would not understand us, the feelings, the status. but who cares, its you and me.

summer

Summer is supposed to be the season where you can play around, be foolish and doesn’t think about tomorrow. It’s the season when the sun is as bright as happiness could compare and humid wind is as hot as the exciting things you will experience. The summer of my life came in such an unexpected time of my life; well that is how life works, right?! It will kick you hard when you are really unaware of it. You came just when everything is just normal and everything is routine. Then with just one question of “SINGLE or TAKEN” which I answered “Casual lang” and your reply of “Pwede bang OR nalang” that’s the time I know that summer has arrived. Ever since, the anxiety I felt every time your name appears like the every evening I am about to sleep and think of what’s waiting for tomorrow morning. The smile I find everyday in the mirror every silly and random thing we’ve done. The craziness we both did to our lives, and the happiness I felt every wrong things I’ve done. Yes, just like summer, it is ok to fool around and be crazy because when the rain comes; when your routine comes you both know that you are not the person he wants to spend it with, that goes to you too. You both know it is not permanent and you don’t want to engage into something you can’t commit long. You’re each other’s summer.

You are my summer and I know summer flies so fast. I know that fact before I even admit to myself what I am starting in my life. But even though I did manage to keep it look as simple as possible, I didn’t know that I am wounding myself so deep that it begins to create a mark that I can’t cover by vices and future plans. We know better that we should be without each other but how come we spend each day thinking of how and when are we seeing each other. We know that you have a home by yourself in her arms while I am a nomad who seeks the righteous home where I can spend the rest of my life but how come you welcomed me as if a visitor that you want to stay there as it permits. How come being with you is merely a sin but doesn’t feel like it. You’re somehow someone who just passed by as always my summer. I know it will end which I savor each waking hour that I think of you. Each smile, laughter, jokes and sensible talks were kept like a secret never told.

Sometimes I wish that as summer has passed that you would remember that I am always your summer too. How I wish that I can always go back to the past summer and bring it back like the present. How I wish that you missed me too like how I miss you. And how I wish to think that you would want to bring back how we were used to be.

As I fantasize of a future with you, I know that it would be impossible that everything would be as real as the scorching sun and humid wind. I know that when I even start to look you in the eye that you’re not going to be mine. And I know that we are just meant to just know each other and had an intriguing past that we will both laugh when we remember it in the future..

(**written November 2011)